A Minute With The Lord: Let Me Be Clear, I Did Not Die For Dane Cook's Sins

I know there's a lot of crazy rumors flying around religious circles out there that I'm an advocate of unconditional love and that I'll let anyone's sins slide, no matter how egregious, as long as they ask me to come live in their heart. Well, that may be true of murderers, adulterers, and parent dishonorers but when it comes to entertainment, I hold you mortals to a much higher standard.

Dane Cook can (and thanks to my ultimate judgment in the matter, will) rot in hell for all eternity. The man couldn't act his way out of Jerry Seinfeld's apartment. Employee of the Year, please. More like Employee of the Queer. And he thinks he's so goddamn funny. Believe me, laughing at one's own jokes is a greater sin than blaspheming the Holy Spirit. In my day, we would have stoned his ass worse than a whore of Babylon.

Fuck Good Luck Chuck!

Tell You What, If My Second Coming Doesn't Top Britney's... I Owe You A Coke

So there I go again, just when I'm hitting my stride and not even death is able to contain me, I go and disappear into the clouds without a word. What can I say, I like fucking with you mortals. Besides, August is definitely the time of year I take a break from the daily soul-saving and heart-inhabiting grind to indulge in a little Me time.

Anyway, I'm back after a nice long celestial roadtrip through space and time. Just one of the many perks about being the omnipresent Lord and Master of all that is. Spent a week with friends in Extra New York City in the year 4078, did some star-snorkeling through a Horsehead Nebula in the Orion constellation, and traveled back in time to watch the last dinosaur kick the bucket. Then I chilled back at my pad in Heaven for a bit with some of my bros (Farley, Henson, and that new guy Pavarotti) and got more crunked than Amy Winehouse. Even got to throw down the two-fisted gorilla dunk on Anna Nicole before finally getting around to this blog.

And a lot has happened in the past Earth month. OJ's facing possible prison time again, Owen Wilson couldn't live with that crooked nose anymore and tried to off himself, and that nappy-headed ho Whoopi Goldberg joined The View. So I figured it's finally time for me to make my triumphant return and cast my eternal judgment on the important matters of our times.

First off...

Kathy Griffin tells me to "suck it" at the Emmys:

Kathy, really? Upon winning an award for your Bravo Network reality show Kathy Griffin: My Life On The D-List, you told the world:

"A lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this. He had nothing to do with this. Suck it, Jesus. This award is my god now!"

Kathy, baby, how can you be so cruel? Sure, you're probably still bitter for being cursed with that horseface of yours. But how can you take all the credit for your success, when I was the one who stayed up all those late nights reading lines with you through the years? And you can't tell me that daily batch of fresh Tollhouse cookies I bake for you has no positive effect on your performance. Not to mention I was assistant sound editor for your show... I'm listed in the fucking credits! I know Catholics and everybody else out there with huge hard-ons for me accuse you of blasphemy...

... I just think you're being a bitch.

Mormon prophet believes arranged marriages between children and their adult cousins somehow serves my will:

Fundamentalist Mormon sect leader Warren Jeffs is on trial for accomplice to rape. Yeah, Warren, there's nothing more pure and holy than a 14-year old girl forced to wed her 19-year old cousin. Great idea, bud. Also, a good way to win points with me is by making chimpanzees perform abortions or sprinkling your grandmother's cremated remains on your eggs in the morning.

Douchebag.

Notre Dame football's embarrassing 0-4 record making me look bad.
As the nation's foremost Catholic university, Notre Dame's storied football program is an embarassing 0-4 after being crucified in each game this season. No amount of drunken Irish prayer seems to be enough to right this sinking ship, as the team's off to the worst start in its 100-plus year history.

Not only does it steam my potatoes that a university willing to throw my name around so loosely is playing football like a bunch of pussies, but I've lost about ten grand so far to my bookie.