Thou Sayest I Gotta Go To Rehab, And I Sayeth, "Nay, Nay, Nay."

Greetings, my brethren. Gather around for another important parable from your favorite Messiah who's brought you sermons containing divine wisdom about such topics as temperance, prudence, and constancy. This time its about smack.

I don't know if your feeble mortal brains could ever grasp just how sweet life is at the top. In Heaven, it's all about who you know, and let's just say my Dad's kind of a big deal around here. So you'll forgive me if over the millenia I've lived the life of excess and maybe developed a bit of a problem. Even for omniscient sons of god like myself it can be hard to know when to say when.

People have been telling me I've had a problem for ages. Sure, everything started innocently enough, I just turned a little water into wine at a party. No big deal. Then I made a big splash in the stoner scene by multiplying a few loaves and fishes for the multitudes. Little did I know the ganja is a heavens gateway drug. I mixed with the wrong crowd and started dealing. I realized that with faith as small as a mustard seed, I could move mountains of blow (that "let he who is without septum, rip the first line" bit killed). It didn't take long for me to get into the psychedelics. Hell, I smoked DMT before most of my best sermons!

In no time I'm getting turned on to a little brown sugar and I basically became a full blown junkie after that. I just kept going deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole. Before I knew what hit me, I thought I could walk on water and I was going around telling everybody to eat my body and drink my blood. That's how fucked up I got!

Finally, when I saw a picture on perezhilton.com of me at the crucifixion with a mysterious white powder around my nostrils and the words "Son of the Most HIGH" written across it with that stupid Windows Paint program, I knew it was finally time to admit I had a problem. So after spending a good chunk of the last 2000 years dragging my feet, I finally decided to check myself in.

I realize now that I've been selfish and a lot of crazy shit has been going down in my name throughout the ages. So, my apologies for inspiring all those Crusades, witch burnings, and abortion clinic bombings. Truth is, I was so crunked I didn't know my ass from an empty tomb in the ground.