Lady Gaga Is Stealing My Material

For those of you who watched MTV's Video Music Awards (and I'm thinking about making neglecting to do so a venial sin, so you better have), you're probably all up in arms about how my boy Kanye stormed the stage and dissed Taylor Swift during her acceptance speech. This, of course, was important enough for the President of the United States himself to call Kanye a jackass.

This is all kind of a non-story, since long ago I gave Kanye my holy permission to do whatever he wants, and in fact he's the only human to whom I've ever given my blessing to imitate me.

So the real story is how that hermaphrodite Lady Gaga (I know she has both male and female genitalia because I made her that way as part of my divine plan) stole my act later in the show. The blood, the hanging, the catchy song and dance number, that shit's all straight out of the crucifixion.

And quit your whining, Lady Gaga (if that is your real name), about how the tabloid media is scrutinizing your photos in search of a clit-penis, the monks have been checking depictions of me for male camel toe for centuries. Don't think that's original, Lady Gaga. You is a poser.