I Got Your Public Option Right Here

I've already made myself heard on health care reform, but with a major committee vote expected today, I thought it was time to take a bigger stand against evil Caesar advancing the government's health care agenda.

The best public option: Me.

Back in my New Testament heyday, I was known far and wide for my cure-alls. Take a look at the following list of services that will be included under my HMO (Holy Medical Options):

- Seizures? A little demon-rebuking can work wonders.

- Blindness? Some mud and a glob of my spit should do the trick.

- Legs don't work? "Rise and walk" it off.

-Leprosy? These magic fingers will clear that shit right up.

-Mental illness? No need to live in tombs anymore, just listen to the sound of my voice for a while and those unclean spirits are outta here.

- Paralyzed servant? Take to two knees and call me in the morning.

- Severed Ear? I'll just put that back where Peter found it.

-Perpetual 12-year bleeding? Just touch the hem of my garment. It's that easy!

The price tag is so low that most Republicans are already paying it: just 90 minutes of your time every Sunday morning and 10% of your income.

And the best part is, the quality of my medical care can't be beat. People practically cut holes in roofs to get to me.