Suck It, Chicago! Rio's Got Way Better Taste In Statues Anyway

No Olympics for you, Chicago!

Eat it.

Rio de Janeiro handed your ass to you on a platter, Chi-town. Not even Oprah could save you. Maybe now you'll reconsider who you choose to immortalize through massive stone sculptures. You know, maybe like... Immortals?

It's not like you've got a shortage of statues in your city, Chicago. There's that Michael Jordan statue, where he's jumping over some sort of molten rock creature with two heads and a mummy arm. I guess that's kind of impressive, but I cast a legion of demons from some possessed asshole into a herd of pigs who drowned themselves. Where's my statue of that, Windy City? MJ just brought you a measly six rings, but I bring you everlasting life purchased with my blood, you ingrateful motherfuckers.

Then there's the Harry Caray sculpture, from which it's apparently acceptable to hang skinned goats . Dad may have been impressed by slaughtered livestock sacrifices back in the Old Testament days, but you're dealing with me now and I think that shit's gross. Although, I do give Cubs' fans some credit, since rooting for that franchise requires a hell of a lot more faith then I'd ever demand of you mortals.

Chicago, you have plenty more stupid graven images that aren't me, such as the lame Indian playing air-archery, the guy on the horse over a lion, and whatever the hell this is.

No me's.

The only thing that rivals Rio's Me Statue, is that dealy on top of the Board of Trade. It looked pretty cool in The Dark Knight, I'll give you that. But it's on top of a building and lit by spotlights. My Rio Statue's on top of a mountain and you know what it gets lit up by? Fucking lightning!

Better luck with 2020, Chicago. Until then, have fun playing with your bean.