New Testament Could Kick the Crap out of New Moon Any Day of the Week

I'm a little peeved about this new vampire craze that's sweeping the young and old alike. Friday's release of New Moon, the latest CGI turd in the Hollywood punchbowl, will kick box office ass all weekend long as teenagers go weak in the knees for their vampire crushes. For those a little older, HBO's True Blood series is bigger than, well, me.

Since when was wanting to have someone drink your blood OK for mortals? I'm the only one who's supposed to be into that. At my Last Supper I didn't even eat, instead I gave this really creepy speech about eating my flesh and drinking my blood in remembrance of me.

That's some really macabre shit right there.

But after 2000 years apparently it's not sexy enough for all those introverted teenagers and forlorn housewives. Drink my blood and obtain everlasting life. That kind of kinky shit should have more staying power, instead the ladies are going for beefcake vegetarian emo vampires who want to talk about their feelings.

Cinematic bloodsuckers at least used to be heinous creatures of the night, something that - for professional reasons - I can't condone but can at least admire. Now they're just perfectly quaffed stud muffins who happen to live forever and read minds. That's like turning my Last Supper cannibalism speech into something about symbolism and sanctity.

Give me a little transubstantiation any day.