No Children, All Dogs Don't Go To Heaven

While I'm on this animal kick, I figured it was time to dispel the naive notion that all dogs go to heaven.

Simply not true.

I don't know where that bullshit rumor got started, but - just as my body and blood are people food - heaven is people-only. And not even all people either, only those with very specific lifestyles and belief systems. If Gahndi couldn't make it in, you really think Goofy will?

You're delusional.

And sorry to burst your bubble but there's no separate doggy heaven either. The very concept of a canine afterlife is preposterous. As if an animal could possess an eternal soul that somehow outlives its brain.

Doggy heaven would require a separate Son of Dog to die for their dog sins so they accept him into their dog hearts. You know how much extra paperwork that would be? We're short staffed up here as it is.

Besides, Dad put dogs on Earth for three reasons and three reasons only: to be carried around in rich ladies' handbags, to sniff for drugs, and to occasionally fight each to the death for our entertainment. Why do you think Adam named them "dogs" anyway.

So stop lying to your kids about their dead pooch being anything but wormfood. Nothing that eats its own poop gets into Heaven (besides Jerry Falwell).