Segway Is The Truth And The Life

Oh, snap!

Just got done with my first ever Segway tour and I'm buzzing like I drank a whole bottle of water turned to wine.

I'm a little behind on trying out the new modes of transportation invented by you mortals. It took me like 50 years to get on one of your steel birds. Can you believe they confiscated my crown of thorns at security and made me buy an extra seat for the Holy Spirit?

But all that's changed now that I've cashed in the Free Segway Tour coupon someone dropped in the collection plate in lieu of money. I was hesitant at first, given the fact a Segway almost took out George W. Bush, but I realized that's the same flawed logic that prevented me from enjoying the salty goodness of pretzels for so long.

One step on a Segway and I'm a changed god/man. No other contraption of yours can combine the leisure of a crisp walking pace with the comfort of standing still.

You won't believe the kind of lame modes of transportation I had to put up with back in my day. For my triumphant Palm Sunday entry into Jerusalem, I rode a donkey. Not even a camel or horse, a fucking donkey, despite the fact I was neither 5 years old, nor was it my birthday party.

Had I known then what I do now, I'd have fired up one of these bad boys and leaned my way through all those palm fronds like a champ! Wandering the desert and fasting for forty days would have been a breeze with this baby, think of all the energy conserved. And a Segway could've come in handy at Calvary too now that I think about it.

So I'm sold. Segways are the new wings. When you get to heaven, the streets will be paved with gold and clogged with angels zipping along effortlessly.

Verily, verily, I say unto you, leave everything and follow me, as we travel up to 10 mph without moving our legs.