Kirk Cameron Does Not Speak For Me

Over the millenia, I've relied on a variety of unlikely prophets to conveny my message to the masses, but never did I expect a former child TV star - whose character hung around with a kid named "Boner" - to become one of the more visible champions for my cause. And I gotta tell ya, I'm not a happy savior.

While I'm the first person/deity to beat my chest about Dad creating the whole flipping universe in a mere six days (while managing to hit snooze until almost noon on Sunday), I don't much care for Ass-Captain Kirk parading around like some sort of authority on the origin of existence just because he knows Alan Thicke.

And what's with altering the classics to fit your specific worldview, Kirk. I mean, I know Charles Darwin. Me and Chuck play cribbage. He may have a tendency to take things a little too literally (when I said consider the birds of the air, I didn't mean observe finches in the Galapagos and draw conclusions based on the scientific method). But he's a good guy, and I got his back when the likes of Mike Seaver trash his quintessential work.

What's next, Kirk? You change the opening of Star Wars to "In a Galaxy - Created in a Week by God - Far, Far Away?" Or you turn Moby Dick from a whale into a "big fish" capable of sustaining human life in its stomach for three whole days?

Lady Gaga Is Stealing My Material

For those of you who watched MTV's Video Music Awards (and I'm thinking about making neglecting to do so a venial sin, so you better have), you're probably all up in arms about how my boy Kanye stormed the stage and dissed Taylor Swift during her acceptance speech. This, of course, was important enough for the President of the United States himself to call Kanye a jackass.

This is all kind of a non-story, since long ago I gave Kanye my holy permission to do whatever he wants, and in fact he's the only human to whom I've ever given my blessing to imitate me.

So the real story is how that hermaphrodite Lady Gaga (I know she has both male and female genitalia because I made her that way as part of my divine plan) stole my act later in the show. The blood, the hanging, the catchy song and dance number, that shit's all straight out of the crucifixion.

And quit your whining, Lady Gaga (if that is your real name), about how the tabloid media is scrutinizing your photos in search of a clit-penis, the monks have been checking depictions of me for male camel toe for centuries. Don't think that's original, Lady Gaga. You is a poser.

The Meek Shall Inherit Jackshit

Am I the only other human/god who thought Joe Wilson's antics during Obama's address to Congress were hilarious. I'd manifested at the blessed event Myself to join with my Republican brethren in some good old fashioned murmuring-under-breath and not-standing, when everyone's new favorite Congressman from South Carolina breached House decorum to an unprecedented degree by shouting that the President is a liar.

I'm glad Joe Wilson (no relation to Joe the Plumber or Joe Six-Pack) heeded my advice from the last blog: it's better to be loud than to be right. I mean, it's not like the guy's going to exploit his notoriety for political benefit or anything.

It was just for laughs, to break the tension. Like the time Orrin Hatch cut the cheese during a Senate Judiciary Committee meeting, or at the crucifixion when that Roman guard pierced my side with a spear and blood and water poured out.

As you'll see, Joe Wilson is only one of many hilarious point-and-yellers, and is following in such proud traditions as:

Nelson Muntz

That Asshole Drill Sergeant From Full Metal Jacket

Avant-Garde Sculptures

Unckie Sam

SECOND COMING

Blog of Christ Resurrected for Health Care Apocalypse

Well, my lovelies, it's been a good 18 months since you've last heard from me. I'll admit, I needed a little me-time and kind of just checked out on the whole human race for awhile. Played some miraculous golf in a doubles tournament with Vishnu over at Astral Augusta and lost my shirt to Muhammad going all-in at the tables in Celestial Vegas. It felt great to take a break from listening to all those whiney prayers and living in hearts, and just play hookey for awhile.

But I realized I was dangerously out of the loop when Michael Jackson unexpectedly moonwalked through the Pearly Gates, and figured I'd better check back in with my most perfect creation. I'd hoped everything was coasting along fine without my divine hand holding it steady, but apparently you Earthlings looked back and saw I'd let go of your bicycle seat and you faceplanted right into the socialist sidewalk.

It would seem that my absence has led to the decay of civilization as we know it. My chosen nation, America, has had the wool pulled over its eyes and is on the brink of implementing a universal health care system, just like the rest of the industrialized world. I guess you could say I got here just in time.

So I've done what any Lord and Savior would in this situation, and I've taken to the town hall meetings and anti-reform demonstrations with two cleverly worded signs ("Down with Hellth Care Reform" and "I died for this?" with a photoshopped Obama in Joker paint), a bullhorn and a whole mess of tea bags jammed into my crown of thorns. Take that, Liberals!

I mean, these protestors hit the nail right through the hand when they compare advocates of an affordable Medicare-like public health insurance option to Nazis; Obama wants to see to it that 47 million uninsured Americans are able to afford coverage, and Hitler killed 6 million Jews. See the connection. It's as clear as the halo around my face.

Obama is obviously just using health care reform to turn America into a socialist nation. After all, when I said, "Whatsoever you do unto the least of these, you do to me," I wasn't referring to health insurance for illegal aliens. Just because I admonished you to love your neighbor as yourself, doesn't mean your tax dollars should help pay for their basic health care needs.

And if reform passes, the U.S. government will be able to pull the plug on Grandma. Imagine the horror of her Soul being released to the eternal bliss of paradise when she should instead be artificially kept alive in a persistent vegetative state for days or weeks with no hope of recovery, like I intended. And don't even get me started on the death panels, I've been before the Sanhedrin and trust me, it isn't pretty.

So get out there and don't be discouraged by anyone who seems to rationally argue in favor of reform. Just shout over them. Being loud is better than being right. The Word of the Lord.