Dad Needs To Stop Referring To The New Testament As His Sophomore Slump

I get it, Dad, you made a big bang with The Old Testament. Most of the world follows it (or its Arabian spin-off) like scripture, even dressing up in its costumes and restricting their diets so they can feel just like the characters in the story. Some are so obsessed they quote parts of the book so often in everyday speech they're incapable of a single free thought.

It was a hit. No denying that. I know your follow-up book is only about a third as popular and - even though it's carved out a niche following that's fixated on me - I'm not your most compelling character ever, so you don't have to remind me every two seconds.

I mean, my story may have a little blood and gore, but nothing like The Old Testament. I know that. Gone are the giant-killing shepherds, pillar-toppling strongmen, man-swallowing whales, children-eating bears, baby-slaughtering angels, and naked lady-deceiving talking snakes in magical fruit trees.

Sure, The New Testament has its moments, but nobody's driving car bombs into buildings over it.

But don't blame me. I subjected myself to crucifixion so your writing would be more "authentic" as you so lovingly put it. I did everything I could and The New Testament's failings have nothing to do with me. Maybe you shouldn't have written the Gospels from four different perspectives, ever think of that? And you don't see a problem with spending two-thirds of the book on an Apostle writing prison letters about how much he's in love with me?

You're the one who tacked on an over-the-top fire and brimstone ending that was completely inconsistent with my character. So stop reminding me that your writing career took a dive as soon as I became the protagonist. You only have yourself to blame.

But hey, at least it's better than your feeble third effort, The Book of Mormon. That shit's worse that The Godfather: Part III.