State of the Kingdom Address

(Exalting Applause)

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Dad, Holy Spirit, members of the Angelic Host, distinguished supernatural beings, and fellow celestial citizens, our Holy Scriptures declare that from time to time, the Messiah shall give Heaven information about the state of our Kingdom. For all eternity, we have fulfilled this duty. We've done so in periods of bliss and serenity. And we've done so in the midst of euphoria and rapture; at moments of great joy and even greater joy.

Since I was immaculately conceived to this office, I have prepared a place for every citizen in my father's many mansions. But there's been concern lately about jobs, and our 100% unemployment rate. I want to remind everyone that in Heaven your yoke is easy, your burden is light. Your salvation is not of works, for the wages of sin is death, but eternal life is a gift.

(Applause)

There's also been concern about the war against Evil. I can assure you, we will be rapturing all saved souls and getting our angelic troops out of Earth by 2012. And we will not rest until we capture Beelzebub and cast him into the Lake of Fire.

(Applause)

And as for infrastructure, the streets will be repaved with gold, and we will invest in clean forms of metaphysical energy.

We will also work to secure our borders, to keep the lost souls weeping and gnashing their teeth outside the Kingdom, where they belong. And for those souls who seek forgiveness of sins and conversion to our way of everlasting life, we will ensure they have a clear path to salvation.

Let's seize this moment, and continue to exist in perpetual ecstasy, for the Kingdom is in the midst of you.

Thank you. Dad bless you, and Dad bless the Kingdom of Heaven.