State of the Kingdom Address

(Exalting Applause)

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Dad, Holy Spirit, members of the Angelic Host, distinguished supernatural beings, and fellow celestial citizens, our Holy Scriptures declare that from time to time, the Messiah shall give Heaven information about the state of our Kingdom. For all eternity, we have fulfilled this duty. We've done so in periods of bliss and serenity. And we've done so in the midst of euphoria and rapture; at moments of great joy and even greater joy.

Since I was immaculately conceived to this office, I have prepared a place for every citizen in my father's many mansions. But there's been concern lately about jobs, and our 100% unemployment rate. I want to remind everyone that in Heaven your yoke is easy, your burden is light. Your salvation is not of works, for the wages of sin is death, but eternal life is a gift.

(Applause)

There's also been concern about the war against Evil. I can assure you, we will be rapturing all saved souls and getting our angelic troops out of Earth by 2012. And we will not rest until we capture Beelzebub and cast him into the Lake of Fire.

(Applause)

And as for infrastructure, the streets will be repaved with gold, and we will invest in clean forms of metaphysical energy.

We will also work to secure our borders, to keep the lost souls weeping and gnashing their teeth outside the Kingdom, where they belong. And for those souls who seek forgiveness of sins and conversion to our way of everlasting life, we will ensure they have a clear path to salvation.

Let's seize this moment, and continue to exist in perpetual ecstasy, for the Kingdom is in the midst of you.

Thank you. Dad bless you, and Dad bless the Kingdom of Heaven.

I've Noticed No One Lives to 900 Anymore

Seems like only yesterday you humans lived centuries on end, begetting whole gaggles of future centenarians. Back in the day, longevity heavyweights like Methuselah, Seth, and Adam all lived over 900 years. Heck, at the spry age of 600 Noah built an ark capable of carrying two of every creature.

Nowadays the oldest anyone could possibly hope to live is about 115, big fucking whoop. Sure, modern medicine has tacked a few extra years onto your average life spans recently. And I'll be the first to admit, I only made it to 33 myself. But for my ancestors, health care consisted of some prayer and maybe a little lamb's blood splashed over a doorway.

Just sayin'.

I Eat Flying Spaghetti Monsters 4 Dinner

I don't know who this punk thinks he is. I was walking on water when he was still boiling in a pot somewhere, and yet the so-called Flying Spaghetti Monster has cornered the market on satire and irony.

I used to be the guy challenging the establishment and promoting the heresy of free thought. I was crucified for it for Dad's sakes. I know my followers have gone off the deep end with the whole teaching creationism in science classes thing, but I could have dealt with it myself, there's no need to conjure up this starchy Savior to replace my own sense of snark.

But whatever, I'm not worried. I may have lost the wittiest of you mortals, but I still have my hoard of humorless followers who believe baby dinosaurs fit onto Noah's Ark.

Dad Needs To Stop Referring To The New Testament As His Sophomore Slump

I get it, Dad, you made a big bang with The Old Testament. Most of the world follows it (or its Arabian spin-off) like scripture, even dressing up in its costumes and restricting their diets so they can feel just like the characters in the story. Some are so obsessed they quote parts of the book so often in everyday speech they're incapable of a single free thought.

It was a hit. No denying that. I know your follow-up book is only about a third as popular and - even though it's carved out a niche following that's fixated on me - I'm not your most compelling character ever, so you don't have to remind me every two seconds.

I mean, my story may have a little blood and gore, but nothing like The Old Testament. I know that. Gone are the giant-killing shepherds, pillar-toppling strongmen, man-swallowing whales, children-eating bears, baby-slaughtering angels, and naked lady-deceiving talking snakes in magical fruit trees.

Sure, The New Testament has its moments, but nobody's driving car bombs into buildings over it.

But don't blame me. I subjected myself to crucifixion so your writing would be more "authentic" as you so lovingly put it. I did everything I could and The New Testament's failings have nothing to do with me. Maybe you shouldn't have written the Gospels from four different perspectives, ever think of that? And you don't see a problem with spending two-thirds of the book on an Apostle writing prison letters about how much he's in love with me?

You're the one who tacked on an over-the-top fire and brimstone ending that was completely inconsistent with my character. So stop reminding me that your writing career took a dive as soon as I became the protagonist. You only have yourself to blame.

But hey, at least it's better than your feeble third effort, The Book of Mormon. That shit's worse that The Godfather: Part III.

Next Decade Prophecies: For Dad So Loathed The World

Hate to break it to you, Earth, but the Teens aren't going to be your best decade ever.

You thought the aughts were bad? You ain't seen nothing yet. Sure you had to endure terrorism, the Bush presidency, and Ryan Seacrest. But that's nothing compared to alien invasion, the Sarah Palin presidency, and more Ryan Seacrest.

So without further ado, here's just a sampler platter of what you have to look forward to:

2010 - Tunics make a comeback in a big way.

2010 - Lady Gaga performs at Grammys in jeans and a t-shirt.

2010 - Tea Party protestors succeed in their cries for the government to get their hands off Medicare, causing the 45-year old federal instituton to cease to exist.

2011 - Resurrected Saviors will replace werewolves in the next Twilight installment.

2012 - Sarah Palin loses the popular vote but is still elected President thanks to a perfect 10 in the swimsuit competition.

2012 - Mayan calendar comes to an end, John Cusack shits pants for no reason.

2013 - Jessica Simpson is romantically linked to Al Roker.

2014 - Tiger Woods comes out of the closet, admitting 2009 sex scandals were horribly orchestrated cover.

2015 - Susan Boyle defies world's judgmental expectations and wins Iditarod.

2016 - President Sarah Palin defeated by Arnold Schwarzenegger in Republican primary, but re-congeals into a silvery mass immediately afterward.

2017 - Global warming deniers provided with fodder when most of Ohio remains above water despite scientists predictions to the contrary.

2018 - Judd Apatow wins Best Director for remake of W.C. Fields classic The Bank Dick.

2019 - Brett Favre retires from NFL after 10 consecutive Super Bowl championships.